can't you see... you belong to me...
was sent to me by a friend who wrote the following piece for his [debatable] girl :-
i didn't find the writeup great. what about you? please suggest your corrections/editings - how would you re-write it?
he held her from falling with his firm palm on her spine. he could feel the charged particles on the skin on her back tickling tips of each of his fingers. and while her lips said no, her eyes said yes he felt an urge to feel the skin above the fat which he always asked her to burn off. he did, he slid, his fingers over the waist. the skin was soft as silk. he felt his hand melting into the skin. he kissed her. cudn't understand whether it was his hand which was pushing her closer or her lips which were dragging him nearer.
i didn't find the writeup great. what about you? please suggest your corrections/editings - how would you re-write it?
posted by burf at
2:30 PM
15 Comments:
cannot even say its beautiful though a part of it is nice ..but .."an urge to feel the skin above the fat which he always asked her to burn off."...i mean what kinda romanticism is this....
By
Anonymous, at April 19, 2006 5:30 PM
corny! waaaaay too corny!
By
Casablanca, at April 19, 2006 10:28 PM
i totally agree with casablanca!
By
Richa, at April 20, 2006 12:39 AM
*an urge to feel the skin above the fat which he always asked her to burn off*
Sorry but that lines kinda turned me off more than anything!!
By
Anand, at April 20, 2006 6:44 AM
Burfy lol u still burning?
This piece was ok except for this part...
**he could feel the charged particles on the skin on her back tickling tips of each of his fingers. and while her lips said no, her eyes said yes he felt an urge to feel the skin above the fat which he always asked her to burn off.
kind of too 'languagy' and a turn-off cos of the word 'fat'...lol!
Keshi.
By
Keshi, at April 20, 2006 8:18 AM
anony - fatty romaticism :p lol
casa - hmm, point taken & forwarded
stranger- hmm, point taken & forwarded
anand - hey, anand yaar no need to be sorry, you have full rights to kill the stupid author's ass, like me :D
kesh - tat was around 80% of the piece that you quoted :p lol
By
burf, at April 20, 2006 9:48 AM
lol yes hahaha!
Keshi.
By
Keshi, at April 20, 2006 11:35 AM
check the latest line for ya ;-)
Keshi.
By
Keshi, at April 20, 2006 11:35 AM
maybe u shd tell the author not to use this at all .unless u are looking forward to a laugh!
By
Anonymous, at April 20, 2006 4:05 PM
kesh - lol, :D
anony - why do u think i put this up? for a laugh ofcourse :p
:D
By
burf, at April 20, 2006 6:17 PM
hindi mein bata kya likha hai ... itta ghuma phira kya kyon likhte ho yaar english ko !!!
KISS ke baare mein kisi ne nai suna kya?
Keep It Short & Simple !!!
By
~ ॐ ~, at April 20, 2006 6:56 PM
Humeh Hindi Samajh main aati hai..aur hindi main bateynge..Kiss ka ekdum kachra kar diya is write up ne.
ROTFL..I think the idea is very sparky..but the presentation is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too corny,just like Casa said.And what is with the word fat..I mean if the girl was going to kiss also she wont at the mention of that word.
By
educatedunemployed, at April 21, 2006 6:12 AM
**why do u think i put this up? for a laugh ofcourse
lolllll hahaha Burfy ur so funny!
hey wut did u say in Hindi in my blog? email me na...
Keshi.
By
Keshi, at April 21, 2006 6:14 AM
educated - lol
kesh - yea... but people are all saying it is corny :( it is comic actually, not corny guys. :p
:D
By
burf, at April 21, 2006 9:41 AM
**it is comic actually, not corny guys
hahahaha burfy ur making me laugh like a maniac here!
gimme ur email man...jeez! lol!
Keshi.
By
Keshi, at April 21, 2006 11:03 AM
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